November 27, 2012 by gbnational
The first number is this weeks rankings. The number in ( ) is last weeks rankings. The final set of numbers is the teams win-loss-or-tie record. The voice inside of Alex Smith’s head is “oh fuck.”
This weeks biggest winner: New York. No not the team who has an unemployed Joe the Plumber screaming chants in the stands but the other annoying one. This weeks biggest loser: San Diego. I feel like I’ve seen their name here in the loser section before.
Why is Baltimore ranked above Houston? Simple. See Exhibit A.
Believe it or not, the players on defense in Exhibit A are the same players on defense in Exhibit B. A good friend of mine named Charles Martin had a Tecmo Bowl video on his blog, Lambeau Lampoon, so I must pay homage to it.
1) (1) San Francisco 49ers (8-2-1)….Alex Smith can’t stand it when Jim Harbaugh and Colin Kaepernick give each other Eskimo kisses.
2) (3) Baltimore Ravens (9-2)….there isn’t much in the world more hilarious than the stupid Chargers’ inability to stop a 4th and 29th (which would have won San Diego the game had they stopped it), but this whole bizarre circus between Chris Brown and a comedian is certainly a contender.
3) (2) Houston Texans (10-1)….ladies and gents, say hello to the worst best team in the league.
4) (5) New England Patriots (8-3)….Tom Brady was just voted “Most Likely To Succeed”, by his teammates. They also voted Bill Belichick, “best smile”. RB Shayne Vareen sneered that it was all just a stupid popularity contest.
5) (6) Atlanta Falcons (10-1)….ladies and gents, say hello to the *other* worst best team in the league.
6) (7) Denver Broncos (8-3)….with Willis McGahee out for the season and John Fox’s elderly diabetic grandmother unable to commit to the backup RB role, owner Pat Bowlen was forced to call Knowshon Moreno.
7) (9) Chicago Bears (8-3)….goddamn it.
8) (4) Green Bay Packers (7-4)….I turned the game off at halftime and stared at the floor for the next 17 hours.
9) (8) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-5)….CB Eric Wright spent way too much time getting up out of his seat, talking out of turn, never raising his hands to ask a question, never giving anyone else a chance, running around during structured activities, having a serious lack of executive functioning skills, and suffering from extreme distractibility. It got to the point where the league just said, “fuck this shit,” and suspended him.
10) (14) New York Giants (7-4)….Eli Manning found a note in his lunch pail after the game from his father Archie that read: “I still love Peyton more.”
11) (13) Cincinnati Bengals (6-5)….OT Andrew Whitworth complained to the NFL that a couple of Raiders defenders poked his face and said his grandmama was a lousy lay. All three players involved received detentions.
12) (10) Seattle Seahawks (6-5)….upon hearing about the suspension of a couple of players, head coach Pete Carroll immediately tried to get his job back at USC.
13) (17) Indianapolis Colts (7-4)….the blue, STD-infected Colts mascot issued a challenge to several cheerleaders that if they raised $10,000 or more for leukemia research they would have to shave their heads in honor of Chuck Pagano. I’d hate to think what would have happened to them if they lost the challenge.
14) (12) Minnesota Vikings (6-5)….you could replace the scenes with the homeless dogs in the Sarah Mclachlan commercials with pictures of this team and still get the same pitiable effect.
15) (16) Washington Redskins (5-6)….RGIII challenged Obama to a game of hoops but Obama refused to participate in the stereotype that only blacks play basketball.
16) (11) Pittsburgh Steelers (6-5)….”we’ll bring in ribs from Tony Roma’s, Outback, or even the fucking McRib to get Roethlisberger to play this Sunday.” -head coach Mike Tomlin on the likelihood of Big Ben returning from a rib injury.
17) (15) New Orleans Saints (5-6)….the figure above is a very common illusion. The Saints play the Falcons tomorrow. The Falcons 10-1 record is also a very common illusion.
18) (18) Arizona Cardinals (4-7)….this team played some other team a few days ago. Nobody cares though.
19) (19) Buffalo Bills (4-7)….owner Ralph Wilson has formed six inch calluses on his index finger from hitting the “reset” button all these years.
20) (24) Miami Dolphins (5-6)….”hey weren’t you the flying hairy dog in NeverEnding Story?” -former Packers OC and current Dolphins head coach Joe Philbin to former Packer head coach and current Dolphins OC Mike Sherman.
21) (25) St. Louis Rams (4-6-1)….Sam Bradford began molesting the team laundry hamper after discovering that ESPN did a story on the Rams potentially making it to the wildcard playoffs.
22) (22) Detroit Lions (4-7)….trying to figure out how Ndamukong Suh’s foot found its way right into the dick region of Matt Schaub is like trying to figure out how the bullet found JFK’s face from the grassy knoll.
23) (20) Dallas Cowboys (4-7)….these guys are so deep in the sewer, some fans are willing to send their grievances all the way to the White House.
24) (21) San Diego Chargers (4-7)….Norv Turner didn’t expect John Harbaugh to go for all 29 yards.
25) (23) New York Jets (4-7)….Rex Ryan is the first head coach in NFL history to be on the hot seat and on the fat seat at the same time.
26) (28) Carolina Panthers (3-8)….it’s a bird!! It’s a plane!! Oh it’s….just Cam Newton.
27) (29) Cleveland Browns (3-8)….you’ve got to be fucking *kidding* me.
28) (27) Philadelphia Eagles (3-8)….owner Jeffrey Lurie is planning on making the Groucho Marx glasses a mandatory uniform addition with the rationale that nobody will recognize that they’re playing the Eagles.
29) (26) Tennessee Titans (4-7)….”there are a ton of other teams struggling like us; and by a ton I mean, only the Chiefs.” -head coach Mike Munchak after their disappointing loss to the now 2-9 Jaguars.
30) (30) Oakland Radiers (3-8)….the Raiders organization *finally* understands why the Bengals traded away Carson Palmer.
31) (31) Jacksonville Jaguars (2-9)….a crappy QB in Blaine Gabbert and now a crappy QB in Chad Henne. People wonder why they’ve only won two games.
32) (32) Kansas City Chiefs (1-10)….The feeling that Todd Haley gets when he sees the demise of his former team is the feeling the rest of us get when we pop a Viagra.