January 10, 2013 by gbnational
Welcome friends; in honor of douchebags everywhere I have decided to procrastinate my 2012 listing to a time when 2012 listings are deemed irrelevant. How could I write about douchebags without behaving like one? Putting out a 2012 Top 10 list during the second week of 2013 is one of the douchiest things a person can do. Then again, one should write about the topic they’re most familiar with, right?
All the sports, entertainment, and mainstream news pundits compiled their top 10, 50, or 100 lists of best athletes, most sexiest and best dressed, and best moments of 2012 weeks ago. While “the best” is always something we want to see in people, the cynical, nihilist in me says otherwise. Therefore instead of following the trend and putting together a list of best plays of 2012, or the best NFL moments of 2012, or the best ways to shoot your girlfriend before shooting yourself, I decided to focus my attention on individuals who have garnered a great deal of negative attention this year. We have all seen, at one point or another in our lives, the “Not So Top 10 plays” (they air it religiously on ESPN when analysts aren’t spouting illogical racist drivel) but I’m not focusing on plays here, I’m focusing on people. A human no-interest story, if you will. So I give you “Top 10 NFL Douchebags of 2012″.
I have willed myself to stoop to such absurd levels of douchiness while writing this that I have decided to make this a two-part list. The first part (this one) will focus on honorable douchebags 6-10 while the second part will wrap up the douchebag conversation ending with, in my opinion, the #1 douche of last year (a feat deserving of the Presidential Medal of Honor).
The fellows at Urban Dictionary have an extremely detailed definition of the word, douchebag, so I’ll leave it to you to peruse and choose the one you feel is most appropriate.
The word douchebag has become commonplace in our evolving English language but nowadays it is preferable to say d-bag because it saves approximately 0.023 seconds of time and, as a society, we love saving time. LOL, right?
But I digress.
The Onion newspaper has come up with a myriad of “Best Of 2012″, the most hilarious being this one. Although that man deserves to be number one in almost every category dealing with sub-creatures, human garbage, feces, and/or pestilence, I will, out of respect for The Onion’s brilliance, refrain from putting him on this list.
Please note that premier, grade A, professional douchebags such as Tony Romo, Jay Cutler, Mark Sanchez, Ben Roethlisberger, Jerry Jones, and Philip Rivers have all but been omitted from this list–those guys are d-bag veterans; they have systematically set the gold standard for douchebaggery and bless their hearts, the douche bar has been set immensely high. My goal was to think outside the box for this list and it wasn’t easy to do. The urge to type in Tony Romo’s name was absolutely overwhelming….
….so away we go:
10. Skip Bayless and Every Other ESPN Analysts’ Coverage of Tebowmania:Even Ravens LB Terrell Suggs agrees with me that Skip Bayless is a complete d-bag; and Terrell Suggs is an EXCELLENT judge of character. Skip Bayless’s man-love for Tebow brings douchiness to mind-numbingly high levels. Tim Tebow became the darling of the media after he was drafted by then head coach Josh McDaniels of the Denver Broncos. Unfortunately since Tebow’s trade to the risible Jets, he has been absolutely irrelevant. You can thank the wizards of journalism in Bristol, CT for this one. Granted the anchors were “encouraged” to talk Tebow because according to ESPN executives, “that’s what [we] SHOULD want.” To honor that, Sal Paolantonio spent time covering footage from Jet’s camp which Dan Patrick hailed as an “embarrassment [to ESPN]“. To make matters even more exasperating, the network decided to air non-stop Tebow coverage for his 25th birthday as if it was the falling of the Berlin Wall (keep in mind that during Paolantonio’s coverage, Tebow was BARELY spotted at Jet’s camp). This galaxy-sized amount of douchbaggery is so mind-blowingly unbelievable I had to bonk myself over the head with a tack hammer just to prove I wasn’t in some weird form of Hell. Turns out it was real.
9. Jermichael Finley (Green Bay Packers TE): Jermichael Finley was chosen in the 3rd round of the 2008 draft. He went to school in Texas which means he carries the airborne germs of Vince Young. This guy was a breakout star in college. He also has an ego that spans light years across the Universe which essentially makes him completely intolerable. Don’t believe me? Well, shit, don’t take my word for it, just ask Packers CEO Mark Murphy and the rest of the Packer organization!
See, Finley proved to be an absolute juggernaut of a player in college; when Green Bay drafted him they were hoping for serious success with a then new QB in Aaron Rodgers. They breathed a collective sigh of relief when Finley starting posting record numbers in the 2009 season. During their Super Bowl run in 2010, I was beside myself when he suffered a season-ending injury just after the first month. So why d-bag, then? Good question!
Bob McGuinn (a reporter for the Milwaukee-Sentinel Journal) aptly put it when he stated that Finley just says the wrong thing at the wrong time. Case in point: Finley’s 2011 season was epically disastrous; it seemed as if he was hypnotized into thinking that the football was made of AIDS and if you touched it you automatically got AIDS; therefore he dropped the ball every time it was thrown to him. Instead of blaming his athleticism, his shoddy work ethic, or his ignorance that you cannot get AIDS from a goddamned football, he went ahead and blamed Aaron Rodgers and lack of chemistry. In my opinion this takes douchebag cajones the size of the Chicxulub Crater in the Yucatan (the one theorized to have wiped out the dinosaurs). To you it may not seem like the type of behavior to warrant douchbaggery status, but when you call out the reigning MVP because you’re the one dropping the goddamned ball, there’s no other word to call you.
8. Cam Newton (Carolina Panthers QB):Oh Cam. Where the hell do I begin? Even Cam’s blood cells are douchebags. If you prick Cam Newton does he not bleed? You bet your ass he bleeds: trillions of douchey platelets.
Cam wears his douchebagginess like a suit of armor. He also wears it with great pride. This piece of shit is so out of reality’s realm he had the gonads to convince the media that he was a “lion” out of his native element and forced to be trained as a house pet. Essentially, that’s douchebag code for: “I’m fucking awesome and I’m surrounded by a bunch of fuckface pussies who suck.”
Cam’s numbers might be impressive but I’m not talking about numbers. These overpaid parrots are role models to millions of young aspiring athletes and his disgruntled, prima donna essence is unworthy of emulation.
This charming d-bag was found in possession of a stolen laptop at school (he put his name on it too before throwing it out the window because, “the cops was after it”). Wow he’s smart.
Oh, and get this: Mr. D-bag was also in serious danger of being expelled from school because he was caught cheating….not once, not twice…..but thrice!!! When asked about his history of theft, this walking pile of human douche garbage exclaimed that he wasn’t going to talk about his past and that he would only talk about his future. Way to take responsibility for one’s douchebaggery!!
Let’s not even get into the pay-per-play recruiting scandal which placed his father Cecil Newton in the public eye; the NCAA found no wrong doing but there’s something fishy when Cam unwittingly tells Mississippi State recruiters that [Cecil] chose Auburn because the “money was just too much”.
Cam takes narcissism to new heights: he vilifies his team and repeatedly throws them under the bus when it conveniences him (i.e. any time he is asked what the problems in Carolina are); but let’s not stop there: when he makes bone-headed plays (which many QB’s are known to do) he sits on the sideline with a sweaty Gatorade towel draped over his empty skull. Last I checked Cam was drafted to be a franchise player. That title shouldn’t automatically bestow him with unlimited douchebag coupons but, rather, signal that he’s the teams leader. He doesn’t seem like a leader. Methinks after Auburn, he briefly enrolled in the Jay Cutler school of leadership outside of Gurnee, Illinois called Douchebag University.
7. Alex Spanos/Dean Spanos/A.J. Smith (Owner/President/General Manager of the San Diego Chargers): Holy Christ on a cracker. These three imbeciles remind me of every Three Stooges episode ever written. Which one is Curley? Let’s begin long ago with the firing of Marty Schottenheimer. In the years he served as head coach for San Diego, Marty had only one season under 500. In 2006 he took the Chargers to a 14-2 record. Translation: that’s bad ass. Schottenheimer had a heinous playoff record, however. The problem though wasn’t Schottenheimer’s poor playoff record but rather his strained relationship with Chancellor Douchebag, A.J. Smith. A.J. absolutely abhorred Schottenheimer the same way Biff Tannen abhorred Marty McFly. President Douche Dean Spanos also held little respect for Schottenheimer; Dean was not a fan of nepotism (which is kind of screwed up since his dad remains the owner). Marty wanted to hire his brother Kurt as the new defensive coordinator and fly him out to discuss job prospects against the wishes of the douchebag triumvirate but Marty went ahead and booked the flight for his brother regardless. This sent Dean hyperventilating to the point where he had to carry a brown paper bag. Since he already had the habit of schlepping around a brown paper bag with a 40-oz of Olde English, nobody in the organization was fazed. The next thing you knew, Marty was cleaning out his desk.
Enter Norv Turner. Good lord. He used to be the offensive coordinator for the Cowboys when they won back to back Super Bowls in the early 90′s. Allow me to give you a brief roster listing of that team: head coach Jimmy Johnson, QB Troy Aikman, RB Emmit Smith, and WR Michael Irvin. Yeah Norv, their success was totally all you and not them. You’re a genius. You’re such a genius you’ve managed to lead a cast of comparable top-tier athletes in San Diego to the shame circle year after year. Despite your presence there for years now these athletes have absolutely nothing to show for their potential. This absurdity ultimately leads back to the Bungling Banos & Smith Super Retard Player Personnel Fun Time Show.
In conclusion, let me give you list of players these “highly successful” skunks alienated in the last few years: 1) Eli Manning (he’s won two rings); 2) Drew Brees (Super Bowl Champ); 3) Darren Sproles (one of the most explosive RB’s in the league); 4) Vincent Jackson (now with Tampa Bay); 5) LaDanian Tomlinson; and 6) Michael Turner (plays for the #1 seed Atlanta Falcons). What have they received in place of those six losses? Nothing. Phillip Rivers is not good at all and Ryan Matthews is made of peanut brittle. The only viable threat they have is Malcolm Floyd. The Spanos/Smith handling of personnel for this organization has been some of the worst the league has ever seen. Thankfully Smith has been fired; however the douchebag train rolls on with the Spanos boys in the boiler room and their ultimate destination might very well be Los Angeles.
6. Ndamukong Suh (Detroit Lions DT): I have yet to see someone go from Mr. Rogers to the Tasmanian Devil as quickly as Ndamukong Suh. You watch interviews of this man and he comes across as a gentle giant who should have a baby blue cardigan wrapped about his shoulders. What you don’t see when the cameras are turned off is Ndamukong eating the cardigan and pile driving the interviewer onto the craft services table for looking him in the eye.
The issue with Ndamukong is that he’s bat shit crazy and an extremely volatile and dangerous individual who suffers from a severe case of bi-polar disorder and rage syndrome. The fact that he downplays every aspect of his dirty reputation puts him in prime position for douchebag notoriety. Jets G Matt Slauson knows about Suh’s temper all too well while he played with him at Nebraska. Slauson’s story is simple: nobody at Nebraska liked him and now that he’s tarnishing the reputation of an NFL franchise, they like him even less.
Simply just achieving d-bag status is one thing but Suh’s d-baggery is certainly nothing to sneeze at. Suh has applied himself to become an absolute a-hole of a douche for several years now (clearly stemming from his college days). Three incidents come to mind: the first is the Packers/Lions Thanksgiving game of 2011. Packers G Evan Dietrich-Smith’s face met Ndamukong Suh’s foot in the red zone before the Packers put yet another beat down on a desperate team. Suh was promptly ejected from the game; the douche meter dial had just snapped off when Suh pleaded to his coaching staff that he was simply trying to “get up”. Suh not only stomped on Smith but he also slammed his head into the astro-turf with immense rage. Jesus; but in Nd-bag-kong Suh’s defense, he was simply trying to stand up.
The second incident occurred during the Lions/Texans Thanksgiving game THIS season. I guess, according to Suh, the early Pilgrims celebrated thanks by pulverizing every Native American they came into contact with; it sure as hell couldn’t have been the tryptophan.
During that symbolic “Thanks Means Kick In the Groin” game, Suh spun around a lineman tripping over him before extending his foot to kick QB Matt Schaub in the dick. This became the talk of the media. I think One Direction wrote a song about it, too. The question on everyone’s mind was if Suh intentionally kicked Schaub? I believe Suh defended himself to the refs by saying he didn’t try to kick him but was just trying to make a bologna sandwich. The jury is still out on that one; in my opinion, yes, he absolutely and willfully kicked him. That’s my opinion, though. I tend not to give the benefit of the doubt to a player who has a sordid history of violence. Additionally, if you see the video, you can clearly see that as he spins over the lineman before going down he is briefly facing Schaub and therefore knows exactly how far in front of him he is. Football is a game of speed; these players know full well what their surroundings are. As Suh’s momentum takes him to the ground, he extends his leg behind him with the intention of hitting the poor sap in the ding dongs.
Suh’s third and most recent douchey moment came when he blind-sided Colts T Winston Justice so bad, Justice had to leave the game with a concussion. Suh felt no remorse for his hit; in fact, as Winston laid there with his brains oozing out of his ears, Suh reportedly taunted him. Ndamukong Suh might be the first player to achieve both sociopath and douchebag status at the same time.
Keep in mind that this harpy has been voted most disliked player in the entire NFL. To become the most hated player in an organization of thousands is hard to do. You know what kind of an accomplishment that is? That’s like failing fucking gym class. It takes hutzpah and a great deal of commitment.
How is it there can be five more douches in front of this sociopath? Well, Suh will suffer the consequences and ultimately the only person he will sabotage is himself. The individuals in Part 2 are folks who have directly or indirectly ruined the lives of their teammates, their families, and the NFL. Stay tuned; it’s a douche tornado of biblical proportions.